Below are the 7 most recent journal entries recorded in a_killebrew's LiveJournal:

Friday, March 11th, 2005
10:33 am	chapter 6 hank and i always talked about robbing a liquor store. it was a long running joke betweent the 2 of us when we were low on money for food. we would have never thought about doing it, in fact neither of had done anything illegal other than the drugs that kept us sitting around watching televison all day. but now i needed money to get out of the city. i was going home to be loser in a small town as opposed to being a loser in the big city. if there is one thing i learned from my adventures is, a loser is a loser no matter where you put them. i looked at the revolver i had taken from the apartment, were we found darrel. i gripped it in my right had. it felt heavy and cold. i had dug out a pair of nylons that carrol had left at my place and never wore, for our face masks. this little adventure into armed robbery was going to be my ticket out of the shit hole city. we would go tomarrow to the other side of the city and rob a store we had been watching over the last couple of days. the manager is an old guy who appears to be pretty laid back and not looking for trouble. if all goes well we will be in and out and on the road. if all goes well i can leave the last 3 years behind me. if all goes well. Current Music: the stones (Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 16th, 2005
11:33 pm	chapter 5 i met carrol at the good earth cafe. i could never afford any of the wanna be hippy food, but she could and she liked the atmosphere. she looked visibly shaken while talking about darrels suicide. her voice tremored as she talked about the last time she had saw darrel. " we had a fight over what we were going to do for your birthday" she said as she took a sip from her green tea latte. " i wanted to throw you a surprise party and darrel didn't think it was such a good idea. in fact he was upset about the whole idea of a party and even began to raise his voice with me" she continued. I sat back as she went on about a supposed surprise party for me, that i had a feeling would have been a bizarre introduction to carrols fucked up sex life. i sat back arms folded thinking " does this bitch think i am this dumb? she hasn't even mentioned the death or how she feels about it yet. its just cover about what was really going on". at 30 minutes of one sided conversation i could feel the anger well up inside of me. she hadn't mentioned the pictures once. infact it was like i had thought, she was hopeing this would all blow over. "hold on " i said " how about this? You and darrel were fucking." she became very quiet and her lip quivered. " what do you mean?" she choked out. "I mean you and darrel and some other guy were having some strange sex parties and were taking pictures of it and darrel finally had enough and hung himself" " you fucker!" she growled at me "how dare you accuse me of ..." "of fucking one of my best friends" i interrupted. "or at least someone i thought was a friend." she was silent, brooding, frowning. she was caught and was trying to not look like the bad guy in the situation, but that wasn't going to happen. " just be honest. ok. just tell me you were having sex with darrel or whatever and be honest about it." I said and i ran my hand through my hair. " just be honest. i saw the pictured scattered all over the apartment" she looked down, a tear running down her cheek, and still looking angry. "alright i did it." she whimpered out " i m a sex addict. i tried to tell you. i have a problem ok." " you know what? i don't have a problem. not anymore. Ill see you around" i got up from the table, mad as hell yet releaved in some ways. i had the gun in my pocket, but i was going to leave this peice of my life behind. there would be no manly show of out rage and no gun fire into a whore of a woman, who had just ripped my heart out. no today i would walk away fom this and go into the sunshine, of a better tomarrow. i was going to go rob a liquor store and get the hell out of this hell hole of a city. Current Music: the faces (Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 15th, 2005
10:04 pm	chapter 4 i knew i had to face carrol sometime and talk about the pictures that were scattered all over darrels apartment. i knew i would have to but i was mad as hell. i was mad enough to conceal a weapon at the scene of a suicide, from the police. i was angry at her, the situation, and myself for being a fool. i don't think i could ever ever hurt her, or anyone else for that matter. but in the direction my life was going who knew what i would do. carrel had called the apartment and left serveral messages for me to call her. she had heard about the suicide and wanted to talk. was she hopeing the secret died with darrel? did she think it would all blow over i noone would be the wiser? did she have a story or an excuse for the things she did? i didn't know. i sat thinking about the situation over and over and i began to feel ill. i wanted to go home, get out of the city and back to some kind of safe familuar backdrop. but would that look like i had failed in my attempts to break free from rural town life and be like my idols: kerouac, ginsberg and bourroughs. would the local boys at the diner mess with me for coming home and never acheiving anything i had set out to do? would they even care? what would be worse, the boys messing with me or not caring at all. i would have to call and meet up with carrol. we couldn't deal with our problems over the phone life was to big and ugly to do that sort of impersonal break up over the phone. we would have to sit down and talk like grown adults. Or we would sit down and talk like a couple of overgrown kids with drug habits and unfullfilled dreams. either way something would be resolved and i still had the gun. Current Music: the stones (Comment on this)
Friday, February 11th, 2005
9:04 am	chapter 3 thank god darrel's mom came down and told the police that she recieved a distrubing phone call from darrel in the evening at the time the suicide could have happened or hank and i would be in some serious shit. when i came to i had an oxygen mask on my face and was being treated for shock. sexy paramedic or it was just the whole love your caregivers hypothesis kicking in. at any rate we were out of the shit thanks to darrels mom. they even found a suicide note, with a detailed description of a kinky sex relationship darrel had been having with my girlfriend, another man and the ghost of his dead step-father. hank had been released from the hospital and we were sitting in my apartment processing the event, and what we were going to do to go with life. hank was on the "whole i m quiiting drugs and getting a real job" kick. i would think of carrel and darrel and get these strange dirty feelings. i need a drink. Current Music: rhcp (Comment on this)
9:03 am	chapter 2 so hank and i are sitting there crying when the police show up. hank had just fixed and was beginning to calm down, he was still crying but calming. i was glad he fixed, he was always better at dealing with cops and other stressful situattion when he was high. i just kept thinking about carrol and darrel and the pictures and the gun in my glove compartment. what if they decided to start searching us? who the fuck cared at that moment my life as i knew it was pretty fucked up right now as it was. my girlfriend had been doing kinky picture taking shows with one of my best frineds and now that friend is swinging in his living room by his own hand. hank looked rough, too. hank usually never looked very healthy but today he looked bad. as the cops began going through the questions: "what happened?" "who are you?" " what is your relationship to the dead guy? blah blah blah?" and then the issue of the pics on the bed came up. hank looked at me and had an "oh god" look in his eye. he turned and threw up. a police man went to see what was wrong with him. it was at that point that i realized that my bad day had gotten worse. the shit hank fixed with was bad. it wasn't coke, and if it was it was cut with something bad. hank fell onto the ground and was convulsing. the cop rolled hank onto his side and yelled for a paramedic, who was just arriving on the scene, to look at darrels body. hank was taken the out of there in an ambulance by the paramedics. i wish i had gone with him. the cops started to jump my ass about drugs and the naked pictures and where i was last night. all i could think about was the gun in my car and how i wasn't going to tell them i drove here. about how fucked up everything had become and how i should have never came to the city. "if you are involved tell us right now and it will be easier on you" they told me "i ve got my eye on you fucker" another guy said. another cop grabbed that guy and led him away from me. so far noone had arrested me, but i did have to be treated for shock in the next few moments as the whole event blurred into one blinding stream of shit. i need to move. Current Music: high on fire (Comment on this)
9:01 am	chapter 1 for real biatch " we found darrel swing by his neck in the door way of his apartment. hank immeadiatly started going through the things in darrels apartment. "there has to be some coke in here i know it" hank said as he rifeled through drawers and boxes around the room. I stood there looking at darrel, who had been hanging there long enough to attract flys in the heat of a summer afternoon. Just, as i was about to go phone the police hank yell," dude check this out!" from the back bedroom. I walk past our dead friend and to the back bedroom and thats where i see something that changes my mind about my feelings of shock over my friend dying. " isn't that carol?" hank says as pics one of the many nude photographs up off the bed. "dude, it is. darrel has a ton of these and they're all carol. shit these are carol and darrel naked, dude wht the fuck" I had been seeing carol for 3 years and even though i wanted to commit to a solid relationship, hell even get married i never could go through with it. now i find out that my steady long time relationship was doing strange kinky photo sex with one of my best friends. what was worse was that my one of my best friends had been doing this for what seemed to be a long time and never told me. never came clean. there had to be at least a years worth of pictures on the bed. what was eally going here? did darrel just kill himself out of grief or was this some strange kinky auto asficsiation sex ploy gone wrong. i may never know. but i will be seeing carrol tonight, if not sooner when we call the police to report this fucking mess. shit why didn't i stay lewistown and marry heather. i could have had a normal boring life with anice girl and not this big city suicide sex game hanging over my head. i walked outof the bedroom, lit up a cigerrete and phoned the police. "i just found my friends body" "um i don't know" " he has been hanging up for a while i think" " no we didn't touch anything" " yes clark towers" " we'll be out front" at that time hank finds the coke and a small bag of weed. i take the pistol out of the endtable, that darrel used to keep for "emergencys" and i walked out to my car. i put the gun in my glove compartment. i then walked back and sat with hank on the door step and both began to cry. (Comment on this)
8:56 am	chapter 1 story ok ok ok here is some writing i have been thingking about. i canned the other journal it is only for riotland comics stuff. i want to do some writing that is free flow as i go and very go man go. so if there is grammer and spelling errors on some stuff its because i am writing and and putting it up with editing it. cool later a. killebrew Current Music: the prodigy (Comment on this)